This will make you chuckle.

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle...then
find yourself laughing out loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? ?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative

SON-OF-A-B____ That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

Major,
LOL - I was relieved to read your second post explaining that the first person account of electric shock therapy was someone other than yourself.

God made idiots for practice. Then he made stupid people...

"When you're determined to survive, you leave nothing to chance."

I laughed 'til I cried!!! Great Funny!!!